Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Fuck you, VitaminWater

Slashfood reports:
Vitamin Water has been in the news lately with some contretempts over the caloric content of their brightly colored, somewhat nutritious beverages. So it's fortuitous timing that they're coming out with 10-calorie versions of several flavors. Up for the dietetic treatment are Energy (tropical citrus/yellow), XXX (acai-blueberry-pomegranate/magenta), Multi-V (lemonade/white) and Essential (orange/orange).
More like BullshitWater... I've watched this disturbing trend of "flavoured water" and "health beverages" grow rapidly over the last decade or so. And I still see it as nothing more than a big, sugary heap of crap. First, don't call it water, please. Water is clear, tastes refreshing, and doesn't require you to brush your teeth afterwards to get the taste (and colour) out of your mouth.

Hey, you know what else is flavoured water? Kool-Aid. And Tang. And Coffee. And Tea. And probably many other water-based beverages. Why isn't 50 Cent promoting those? Fact is, once you add a bunch of other shit to water, it's not really water anymore. But I suppose calling it VitaminSugarArtificalFlavourNeonPinkSubstance doesn't have quite the same healthy ring to it. But at least it would be more honest.

So, what dumbass is out there complaining about the calorie content of VitaminWater when they already have perfectly good water available to them for free? Water that doesn't taste like shit and look like it was peed in by Care Bear, I might add. Do they really need the vitamins that badly?

Hey, you know what else contains vitamins? Bananas. They're delicious! So do tomatoes and spinach and carrots and... Actually, most food contains vitamins and/or other useful nutrients. You probably eat some every day! So, again, why the Care Bear piss? It tastes gross, looks gross, it's unnecessary, and in spite of any claims it may make, any usefulness it may have can be made obsolete by simply eating normal meals and having a glass of (real) water.

Fuck you, VitaminWater.


meg. said...

I can't stop laughing........

John said...

What about fried chicken? Does that have vitamins? How about fried chicken water?